Only one poll really matters, but it’s not
A telephone rings. Again. And again.
Hello. This is an automated survey regarding the upcoming election conducted by Please, Don t Hang Up Research, LLC. It will take five to eight minutes of your time.
1. Are you likely to vote in the upcoming election?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Yes, multiple times, using multiple names.
D. No, but I will still post inflammatory nonsense on Facebook.
E. Wait, what election?
2. If the election were held today, who would receive your vote in the race for U.S. Senate?
A. Joni Ernst
B. Bruce Braley
C. Ms. Corporate Loophole 2014
D. Elitist trial lawyer meeting-skipper
E. Charles Koch
F. David Koch
G. Harry Reid
H. Nancy Pelosi
I. Sarah Palin
J. Barack Obama
K. ISIS Ebola
3. If someone other than your preferred candidate wins the race for U.S. Senate, which do you believe is the most likely scenario?
A. Maniacal billionaires will triumphantly enter Washington, D.C., on golden platforms carried by wild-eyed Tea Party fanatics to commence their extremist rein of darkness.
B. Islamic militants secretly crossing the U.S.-Mexico border toting tanks of Ebola will be granted amnesty by the Secret Service.
C. Goldman Sachs will take over Social Security at noon on Jan. 15, 2015.
D. Trial lawyers, environmentalists and college professors will ban apple pie, extra-large sodas, Christmas trees, e-cigarettes, muscle cars, bacon and John Wayne movies.
4. Upon taking office, how many days will it take your preferred Senate candidate to stop wasteful spending, enact common sense solutions and end Washington gridlock?
A. Two days.
B. Four days.
C. Six days, then one day of rest.
D. 100 days.
5. Which Iowa Values should the next U.S. Senator bring to Washington?
A. Hard work
B. Loyalty
C. Strong religious faith
D. The ability to drive in snow.
E. Always knowing which play Greg Davis should have called.
F. Carving celebrities out of butter.
G. A tenderloin, onion rings and a drink for $5.99.
6. If a neighbor s chicken wanders into your yard, you should ...
A. Have a talk with your neighbor.
B. Have a talk with your lawyer.
C. Open fire, as if the chicken were a copy of Obamacare.
D. Unleash a series of TV attack ads, funded by the shadowy American Gravy Council.
7. What important questions do you most want the candidates for U.S. Senate to answer?
A. Is the American dream still possible?
B. Will my children be better off than I am?
C. Is Congress still capable of solving major problems?
D. Which candidate adores farmers most?
E. Which comes first, Ebola or the beheadings?
8. Finish the following statement. America is great ...
A. When we set aside our differences and come together to meet challenges.
B. When our leaders act for the common good instead of political ambition.
C. When corporate political cash can run free like a majestic palomino.
D. Only when people I agree with are in charge.
9. Which statement best sums up your current views on the economy?
A. I m cautiously optimistic that modest, but steady, growth will continue.
B. I m working harder, but I m not getting ahead.
C. If only the minimum wage would increase, all of our problems would be solved.
D. If only corporate taxes would be slashed, all of our problems would be solved.
E. Oh, great corporate overlords, I pray thee for benevolence.
F. I was laid off during this survey.
G. I m cautiously optimistic people will continue throwing out pop cans.
10. Which statement best sums up your view on climate change.
A. I m deeply concerned, considering that an overwhelming scientific consensus says human-influenced effects already are having consequences.
B. I m no expert, so I don t believe experts.
C. I can t bring myself to believe anything those people believe.
D. I don t know the science, and unfortunately, none of it is available for review.
E. Why worry about clear threats backed by scientific evidence when I can be frightened of some awful disease that I ll never get?
11. If the race for U.S. Senate were an animal, which one would it be?
A. A squealing pig
B. A wandering chicken
C. A grumpy cat
D. A dead horse
Thank you for your time. Paid for by Prosperous Americans for Reform. Goodbye.
Ring. Ring.
Hello. If the 2016 presidential caucuses were held today.
l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com
